he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
