WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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