The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
