dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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