I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
