You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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