can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
