we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
