Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
