I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
