I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
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