Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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