Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
