I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
