lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
