i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
