i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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