hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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