Define "chronic" masturbator.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
