i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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