I am spending my child support on dildos
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
