my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
