I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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