I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
