It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
