im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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