3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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