the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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