theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
