There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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