just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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