When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
