Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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