I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
