she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
