I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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