when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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