Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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