I'm sorry my penis didn't work
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
