I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
