that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
