I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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