ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
