Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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