Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
