She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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