Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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