He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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