So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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