I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
