Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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