basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
